Frances Hemmant

Lifestyle

THOUGHTS OF AN UNCONFIDENT CONFIDENT GIRL

I know, a very confusing title, right!? SO contradictory. How can someone be two opposites at the same time? Strange, but possible!

Ever since I was a tiny toddler, prancing around the living room to Steps or Kylie Minogue, I have always had this sort of confidence in me that knows exactly how I want to portray myself to others. I am very careful with what I say, remaining polite,  and open to listening to others, but definitely making sure I voice my own opinion. I have always been one of the loud, bubbly and very chatty kind of people in the world – I think years on the stage gave me a huge platform of confidence. I will make conversation with anyone, stand up in front of people to talk or present without thinking twice, and generally just talk for England!! I do feel that I come across as a confident person, which on the surface, is very true.

I am definitely someone who has always been portrayed as a confident character, and I have always loved how more often than not people would use this word to describe me.

Despite this, often, what I project to the outside, is not necessarily exactly what I feel on the inside. This hasn’t always been the case, and I feel as I have grown older and experienced more, I have been shaped by these experiences, and definitely knocked by a few. Which in turn has taken away that ultimate confidence, and left me with a doubting little voice inside me, sometimes.

I wouldn’t ever say I have ever experienced anything really traumatic in my life, but I definitely lost a huge amount of confidence in myself through my university experience (read here). I almost feel as if it is a confidence I will never get back, a confidence different to how I present myself and how I talk to people, and what I say. A deeper confidence than that, more of a confidence within myself and my achievements.

Talking about achievements, I LOVE the sense of achievement; feeling like you have really accomplished something, or made a difference – who doesn’t love it?! I literally thrive from it, and I am always so scared of my achievements dwindling, I always want to feel like I am achieving, and I think this is where my lack of confidence stems from.

With wanting to achieve all the time, I almost feel like it slows me down. I am always thinking of what I want to be doing, rather than where I am and what I am doing right now. I think faster than I live, and faster than I can grow and progress, and this desire to do well for myself almost drags me down to then thinking I am not good enough or achieving enough, because I am not living at at the point of where my brain wants me to be.

Comparing myself to others is another huge downfall! I absolutely cannot help it, and I know that I shouldn’t, as I have said many times before – and have even written a post about! But still… I find myself doing it over and over again. Despite knowing that I am my own person, and feeling confident with my decisions, and the directions I am taking, I still find myself comparing myself to others, thinking about what I have achieved vs. what they have achieved (there is that stupid achieved word again). Definitely very unhealthy, but one of those things I just seem to do.

I think the final point for me around this lack of confidence, is focused on a lack of self belief. I very much used to be the YES person, like yes I can do that, yes I will succeed with that… the list goes on. But what I do find now, is I think over and over in my head, can I do that, will I actually manage to complete that? This definitely stems from a fear of failure, from previous experiences, and knowing how hurtful the feeling of failure can be. But I am definitely learning to push this aside. And luckily for me, that inner stubbornness and original confidence kicks in – especially if someone else puts doubt in my mind, you watch me prove you wrong!! So I just get on with it, or ask for help, but I definitely do doubt my abilities more than I used to.

All lack of confidence put aside, I still do feel very lucky that I do have a solid amount of confidence, and am able to natter away at any poor soul who gets the pleasure of talking to me.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this, and if anyone feels the same or different to me?

Love,

Frances

 

 

 

2 Comments

  1. Megan McCoig
    23 November 2017 at 7:35 pm

    Girl every word you’ve written here reminds me a lot of myself. I’m constantly wanting to achieve and succeed more and more, and from that I then question myself and whether or not I can do those things I want to do. Then I lose all confidence. It’s such a vicious circle, I’m so with you on this xxx

      Reply
  2. Mary Rick
    24 November 2017 at 12:40 pm

    You are so eloquent in the way you write Fra it captures us reading your blogs; makes us (well definitely me) look at ourselves and how we feel day to day. I can totally as you know we’ll see where your coming from with confidence in front of others. I call this my Elenor Rigby Face (the face that I keep in a jar by the door’ ). You are Amazing keeping making us think but don’t doubt yourself the times you have been through have made you stronger.
    Love Auntie Mary xxx

      Reply

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: